What Is Self-Esteem?

Self-esteem is probably the most over used and misunderstood term currently in common use.  There are endless marketers on television telling people that if they just feel good about themselves (i.e., have good self-esteem) or believe enough in themselves, then they can do anything. If the last statement were true, then we all could become Olympic gymnasts.  The truth is not all of us will become Olympic gymnasts, astronauts or movie stars.  We do not all have those abilities or skills. And no matter how hard we work or how “positively” we think about our skills, we will not become Olympic gymnasts.

To have self-esteem means that you can still respect, or esteem, yourself as a worthwhile human being in spite of the weaknesses you may have, because you understand you have strengths as well.  Having self-esteem means that you have a positive, balanced image of yourself.  In other words you have a sense of competence in certain areas, but at the same time you know your limitations.  You can evaluate yourself in an accurate fashion.  It is knowing your limits that provides balance.  Similarly, if you are unable to do something or fail at a task, you are satisfied that you tried hard and you know that your life goes on.  In short, you have learned to deal with the frustrations that life sends our way.

Aside from the TV marketers trying to sell you their latest book or taped lecture, people use the terms such as “low-self-esteem” to mean many things, such as, they feel sad or depressed.  Having “low-self-esteem” is, for many people, more socially acceptable than saying you feel sad.  Another example is that school teachers may say a young child has low-esteem in spite of the praise they provide for the child.  First of all, young children do NOT have a well-established sense of self.  How could they?  They are children, who are growing, developing, changing, exploring and experiencing all of the ups and downs that life has to offer.  They are, by definition, not fully developed as human beings.  If they were, they would not be children, they would be adults.  Second, praise is not self-esteem.  For example, a child who can’t read or write, cannot have a good sense of self-esteem, no matter how much praise the teacher gives them for their efforts.  If the child KNOWS they can’t read, then the teachers praise rings hollow for the child.  But once a child becomes a competent reader, THEN they start the process of developing a sense of self-esteem. For the child then, competency is as important an ingredient to good self-esteem as is the praise that may be offered by others. If your child is struggling with school or other competencies, special instruction may be the answer.

For adults, the issue is, do you have a balanced view of yourself?  Can you deal with the frustrations that life provides?  Can you manage the stress?  Can you learn from your mistakes?  Can you accept responsibility for your mistakes? That is, “boy that was a mistake, I better not do that again!” At the same time, can you identify the things that are good in your life and the skills or abilities that you do have?

Limitless self-esteem, of the type promoted on TV, also has its down side.  If you have all the self-esteem in the world and always have a very high opinion of yourself, then you are likely not to evaluate your skills accurately.  You will not learn from your mistakes.  At that point, you have lost the balanced view of yourself.  Further, if you walk around thinking you can do anything, then you run the risk of others thinking you are arrogant or self-centred.  Again, that sense of balance is gone. 

So how do you know if you have good self-esteem?  If you are constantly feeling emotions such as sadness, inferiority, anger, jealousy, and a sense of rejection, then you likely have issues with your self-esteem.  For example, being sad or worried when a loved one is in the hospital is perfectly normal, not an issue of self-esteem.  However, if you are sad or worried all the time, even when your life is going well, then that is an issue that should be addressed.  Buying a book on improving your self-esteem may help, but for many people reading these books does not address the issues they are personally experiencing. It is often more difficult to examine your own life and address your own issues by yourself, which is what you are doing if you read a book on self-esteem.  Maybe the book does address your issues and maybe it doesn’t.  Many people come to the psychologist’s office with books in hand saying they tried X or Y with no effect.  In reality they cannot see the forest for the trees and miss the obvious.  This is natural.  That is also the advantage of seeing a psychologist, they are trained to help people to address and resolve the issues that people face.

Are you concerned about your self-esteem? Consider chatting with a psychologist for personalized attention and direction.

Estes Moustacalis, Ph.D. C.Psych (Dr. “M”)

info@oakvillepsychologist.com

www.oakvillepsychologist.com

905 617-8308