Are you a “prickly parent”?

A prickly parent is a parent who reacts badly to any perceived criticism of their child by a teacher or childcare professional.  A prickly parent, upon hearing any comment about their child that is less than positive, will attack the person who has made the comment.  The prickly parent will blame the teacher for their child’s shortcomings.  Comments such as, “teachers are lazy, they have no patience for children any more, they just aren’t doing their job to teach my child” and other comments are frequently heard.

Why does this happen?  The prickly parent assumes that their child is “perfect” and that any comment is an attack on their “perfect child” and on them as parents.  Parents also feel guilty and anxious about the progress of their children, and about the amount of time they spend with their children.  Thus, it is easier to blame others rather than accept that one’s child is less than “perfect”. 

The reality is no child is perfect.  Every child has his or her moment. Every child misbehaves once in a while or does something wrong.  Every child gets cranky, tired and frustrated.  Further, children say exactly what is on their minds, without a thought of the reaction of others.  Thus, a four year old, who asks someone, “Why are you so fat?” is not asking this from malice, but because they are a child.  Children are learning social conventions; it is our job to teach them and to correct them when they break such rules.  At the same time, parents need to understand that children are developing their cognitive and social skills.  Young children also make up stories and have a rich fantasy imagination.  Thus, they will make up stories.  Young children tend to be very “black & white” in their thinking.  For example, ask a seven year old the meaning of the expression “time flies” and you likely get a range of answers.  When children have their moments, working with the teacher or daycare to manage the situation is far more useful than denying that your child did anything wrong or upsetting or needs guidance and direction. 

A prickly parent is either unaware of these issues or is locked into hearing any comment as an attack on them as parents or on their child.  Learning to be a parent in our society, involves learning as you go.  No child comes with an instruction manual and there is no one perfect way to raise children.  Children are a challenge, but they are also a joy.  Parents need to remember that children must adapt to school and the world in general.  Part of that learning process will include hiccups and bumps along the way.  Just as no child is perfect, no parent is perfect.  Parents also learn as their children grow.

The other issue for prickly parents is that they assume that teachers and other childcare professionals do not care about children or that they are lazy and incompetent.  The truth of the matter is that most teachers chose the profession because they like children.  If they did not like children, they would not last as a teacher or daycare worker.  Parents should also be aware that most teachers have exposure to many more children than they do.  Thus, teachers have a good gauge of what is typical behaviour of children at certain ages. 

To avoid being a prickly parent, take teacher comments in the spirit they are intended, namely, to address an issue that your child is experiencing.  A reasonable parent listens and ponders what has been said them.  They neither reject the information out of hand nor swallow it whole.  They know their child is not perfect and may be having a struggle at school.  While no one likes to hear negative comments, a reasonable parent uses these situations as a chance to build a relationship with the teacher or other childcare professional. In the end, prickly parents may actually keep their children from receiving the help, guidance or direction their children need. Prickly parents therefore lose opportunities to help their children while reasonable parents listen and help their children grow.

Estes Moustacalis, Ph.D., C.Psych.  (Dr. “M”)

www.oakvillepsychologist.com

info@oakvillepsychologist.com

905 617-8308

Providing psychoeducational assessments and consultation on behalf of children with learning difficulties.